Monday, April 9, 2012

My Miscarriage

This past winter Robert and I found out that we were pregnant. We were excited to take this journey with Harrison, our 2 year old! It seemed like the time was right to dive into the pregnancy world once again! Our pregnancy with Harrison was trying as we were both unemployed and on government assistance. We were concerned that our financial situation would make this season more of a hardship rather than a celebration! And at times it was! But looking back on it now it probably was the most rewarding season EVER!

Our January ultrasound showed the evidence of something absolutely EXCITING! We were having TWINS! We looked at each other during our check-up and just giggled!! The Doctor
seemed a bit stumped. She wasn’t sold on the stability of the pregnancy. So the barrage of testing and blood work began. Roberts' face went from delight to worry within seconds! His sinking heart caused mine to rescue! I was NOT gonna let this concern sway me!! I needed to be STRONG!

The weeks that followed I began to seek God stronger than EVER! And almost every time I sat in His presence I said not a word. PEACE was ALWAYS the watermark left on my heart!! A few times I said, “Lord, Don’t take them from me”! Yet DEEP DOWN I knew He was in ultimate control I and I was OKAY with releasing them to play at His feet for eternity!!

February was our next ultrasound and no heartbeats were found. Our Doctor wasn’t overly concerned being that we were closing in on our 11th week. She advised us to wait another week before making her determination. Robert and I left that appointment in silence! I can remember seeing Robert’s tears drip down his face as we drove away! I looked out of the passenger window FIGHTING back the tears but I lost! I was dumbfounded and speechless! Words of comfort were in short supply YET hurt, confusion, anger and lot of questions were available for the taking!!

On February 8th we went to church and while driving there I felt as if something wasn’t quite right! I had been spotting for over a month now and was set at ease by most of my family and girlfriends! My Doctor had said not to worry about the spotting. In the middle of the service I felt increasingly moist and thought to myself something was definitely WRONG! I got up and went to the restroom and the spotting had turned into something more significant! I went back to my seat and said nothing to Robert, as not to further worry him! After church we drove home and I just knew I was losing them! I began to cramp and the bleeding intensified! Around 1:30am I woke up with pretty painful abdominal cramps. I slowly got out of bed and said, “Lord, you are in control! You may have them! I trust you Father”! I sat and the flow of blood was

“Robert”, I gently shook his shoulder, “Honey, I have to go to the ER”!

He quickly popped up,“What, what are you ok”, he said half asleep with heart racing!

“Yes, I’m ok. I’m just bleeding too much and I’m cramping a lot”, I said.

He sat up and began to quickly strategize how to get Harrison up and ready and to get me to the ER. I just told him to stay home. No use getting Harrison up and disrupt his sleep for something that was completely out of our control!

I got into the car and drove myself to Whittier Presbyterian Hospital. When I drove in I could see that the ER was fairly full. I rolled my eyes, grabbed a book and walked in. I walked in to the noise of crying babies, complaining patients and frustrated ER staff. I was in for a wait that was for sure. I stepped up to the counter to check-in and the gal asked why I was there. I said, “I
think I’m losing my babies”. And without batting an eye she handed me a clip board and ask me to take a seat. 30 minutes later I could feel wet saturation quickly working its way through my layers of clothing. I got up and went to the restroom and the flow was like an open faucet. I was baffled! I cleaned myself off and began to get dressed and as I reached to flush, the blood filled toilet, there they were! A lemon shaped ball of tissue laying on the floor at the base of the toilet bowl! It was large! I grabbed a ton of toilet paper and bent down to scoop it up! I stood there and just analyzed it with my eyes. I was totally in awe! Not a tear or a concern came over me, just PEACE!

I cleaned the ER restroom floor the best I could and went out and notified the receptionist. I asked her if there was a way I could be taken in sooner. She began to inform me that I had to be at least 20 week pregnant in order to be sent to labor and delivery. Unfortunately I had to wait like everyone else. 15 minutes later I was triaged. Triage took about a minute and a half. They then told me the wait for a bed would be anywhere from 2-4 hours. It was now almost 3am and I wanted OUT OF HERE!! I sat in the ER and called St Jude’s Medical Center in Fullerton. The gentleman that answered the other line said that they had NO wait in their ER, to come right over! I notified the Whittier Presbyterian staff that I was leaving and they urged me not to leave. At this point my cramping was almost unbearable. I left anyway!
I drove to St Jude’s while on my cell with the on-call ObGyn. He was saddened that I was treated the way I was but highly suggested St Jude’s. I drove into St. Jude’s parking lot and a sense of comfort softly and gently came over me!

I walked into the ER and the gentleman behind the counter called me by name and handed me my paperwork. I didn’t even sit down before a nurse called me in and began to triage me. I was triaged and sent back to the lobby. Within 2 minutes I was called in, put in a wheel chair and taken to a very private back partially curtained room. I changed into my gown and in walked the Doctor on duty. She sat there with me and was kind and experienced! She informed me of what to expect and soon enough blood work was taken and I was allowed to rest for a few hours before they performed my ultrasound.

I laid there tired, weak yet fully at peace! Around 5:30am I was wheeled across the ER to the ultrasound room. I could almost read the technicians face! Her stares at the screen were emotionless. Her straight face was my indication that the babies were gone. I’m sure she was trained to have that emotionless glare but it was enough for me. I cleaned up but once again and was wheeled back to my corner suite in the ER!

About 35 minutes later in walks a new Doctor. He was calm with a perfectly comforting voice. He began to share the findings of the blood work and the ultrasound. My predictions where correct. He began to share how I was lucky to have lost them the way I did. He said most women who lose a pregnancy at almost 12 weeks usually have to undergo a very uncomfortable and painful DNC, a scrapping of the uterine wall or womb. He reported back to me that the ultrasound showed a beautifully thinned uterus. And a DNC was not needed. I was relieved!!!

I was given my discharge papers shortly there after and allowed to leave. It’s was now not quiet 7am and the morning air very cold and crisp. The sky was absolutely clear and electric blue. I remember walking through the empty parking lot and looking up at the gorgeous morning sky and I remembered saying, “Thank you Lord for making this process peaceful with loving and caring staff. You knew my heart and you took care of EVERY DETAIL! I am in AWE and still know you are in control”! I walked to my car and drove home.
I walked into the house quietly as to not wake Harrison or Robert. I walked into our bedroom and Robert slowly opened his eyes and said, “Babe, what happened’?

“We lost them babe, we lost them”, I said softly.
His eye quickly began to tear and within minutes Harrison was up. He tended to Harrison so I could sleep but it was hard to rest with everything that had just happened to me. Around 9am I worked myself to the living room still bleeding pretty heavily. I was welcomed by a giggly 2 year old and a very concerned and deeply saddened husband.

I think people today are afraid to talk to me about the miscarriage. I think they think I’m still trying to deal with the loss of not one, but two lives. They look at me and stumble around words and look for things to say. I can almost hear them rehearsing what clever line or careful scripture to recite. I sometimes want to wear a sign on my chest that says, “IT’S ALL GOOD! I’M OK, REALLY, I AM”!
I am in a GREAT space full of peace and joy. I have had a few, short moments of tears but NEVER once while in the ER OR AFTER, did I get angry wondering WHY ME. I gave God my emotions early on. My season of loss and grief lasted a second in comparison to most. I still love being around babies and rubbing the belly of a pregnant friend or family member. I don’t look at them and think, WHAT ABOUT ME! God has my back and I have givin him all of it. Every worry, every concern, every hope, every dream and every desire is His! I found the peace in the moment. I encountered a deeper joy in Harrison’s laughter. I felt more love in my husbands’ arms. And I had a little better understanding about life’s sweetness.

The journey is what you make of it. I found that in the midst of loss I stumbled across PEACE! When you walk through life do you look for the best in the midst of the worse? Or does the worse rob you of your best?